Archives: June 2013

I’ve arrived in Michigan!!!!! I am beyond excited to see what happens this summer! Since I’ve lived in a small town in Tennessee my whole life, I am excited to travel and explore a new place. Growing up with my grandparents we didn’t really travel much. They’ve never had the desire to travel as much as I have and they really enjoy Bakersville and the community there. I do love it to, and have some amazing friends back home, but I’ve always deep down wanted to see what is outside of my hometown. So when I told my grandparents that I got accepted to a summer retreat in Michigan, they were surprised but supportive of my decision. My best friend Grace on the other hand begged me not to leave her. But, I told her it’s only four weeks and I’ll be back before she knows it. She realized how important it is to me to be here and let me go on the condition that I update her regularly on my life.

So far since I’ve been here everyone has been very welcoming. There are sixteen students from different universities and then the three staff running the program. My roommate, Lana, seems like a very nice girl, but I think she might be going through a hard time right now. She doesn’t really like to talk much. And I didn’t really plan on liking anyone this summer, but I get along really well with one of the guys. His name is Grant and he is from Maine. I doubt anything will happen since we are only here for four weeks, but I think we will at least be good friends. Well it has been a whirlwind so far with all the activities we are doing and I need to get some solid sleep tonight.

Well I’ve made it to Michigan. I’m not quite sure what I was thinking deciding to come to here when I live in Maine. Somehow it all worked out and it just felt right to come on this retreat, hopefully I won’t regret it. My parents thought that it would be good for me to see a new place and meet new people after everything that’s happened the past few years.

Everyone seems to be really nice so far. The first thing we did was play a video scavenger hunt and we had teams of four. We had to take different videos with people we meet on the streets of Traverse City. For one of them we had to play leapfrog, and a little boy Tommy did it with us. He laughed the whole time. It made me think of my brother Danny. My roommate Ben was on my team and two of the girls, Olivia and Lana.

This might sound a little crazy, but when I meet Olivia there was just a click. It’s hard to explain in words, I just knew she was special. I knew she was someone I wanted to stick around in my life. I knew that I had to keep in touch with her after the summer. I just knew in that moment, I was meeting her for a reason and my life would never be the same. Anyway, I feel like I’m starting to connect with people here and maybe my parents are right; maybe this will be good for me.

Hello Michigan. It’s a cool place I guess, but I don’t really feel like I belong here. My sister Tanya somehow talked me into coming here.  A month ago my ex-boyfriend Peter broke up with me and I’ve kind of been in a bad place. But, I don’t really feel like talking about it with people here yet. I still feel so hurt by the situation. It was just so sudden and unexpected after dating for five months. Tanya has been worried about me and I just didn’t really want her to worry about me anymore. It sounded like it would be nice to escape Illinois for a little while and come here, but I don’t know if I’m going to get along with all these people.

My roommate Olivia seems cool, but she is happy all the time, and it’s kind of annoying. The whole group seems to be pretty happy to be here, maybe there is something wrong with me. I know I have issues I need to work on and maybe Tanya is right, maybe this will help. I guess I’ve never been to Michigan before so I should give it a chance and I should give all these people a chance.

 

 

I just got off the phone with my Grandpa and he said that my Grandma has been diagnosed with breast cancer. I just got here, and now I feel like I should go home. What was I thinking leaving them for four weeks? I should be at home with them during this time. But, my Grandpa told me that they want me to stay here. They are happy I’m finally doing something I want to do.

Ever since my parents died when I was five they’ve taken care of me and I just feel like I should be there to take care of them. At the same time, it’s hard to think my grandma could die. I just can’t believe this is happening.

…

The staff had us pair of with our roommates and told us to be vulnerable with each other. To tell each other what we are really struggling with. Lana and I went for a walk on one of the trails around the campus.  I feel like we are definitely closer from that time together. I actually feel like I know who she is now, since she would never really talk to me before. I’m glad she could trust me enough to tell me about the pain she is feeling about her break up.

I told her about my grandma. I told her how I feel like I need to act happy all the time so people don’t worry about me. Lana told me it’s okay to admit if I need help sometimes. Life isn’t perfect or easy. There are so many people here who care for me and want to help me through this.

I just ran into Olivia and asked her how things are going. She opened up to me and told me that her grandma has been diagnosed with cancer. She was trying to act like she was okay, but I could see that she was holding back her tears. I am normally not the best at trusting other people, but since it related to what she is dealing with I decided to tell her about Danny. I told her how my younger brother died from cancer last year at the age of nine. It wasn’t an easy time. My family was always at the hospital more than we were at home. Danny was a happy kid and always tried to cheer me up when he was the one that was dying. It has been a hard year and I’ve felt like I shouldn’t be happy, how could I be without Danny around.

Olivia also told me that her parents died in a car crash when she was five years old. I couldn’t imagine losing my parents. She has already dealt with so much loss in her life; I don’t understand why her grandma has to be ill as well.

We had a “get to know our roommate time” and Olivia and I went for a walk. At first I was like, NO WAY. But, I knew I had to do it. She ended up talking first and told me how she really feels inside and I was in shock. She told me she has loved growing up with her grandparents, but there is a part of her that really misses her parents. She feels guilty for being here and not at home after finding out her grandma has cancer.

Then I told Olivia about Peter. I told her how after he broke up with me the tears just wouldn’t stop falling and I couldn’t tell you why. I just felt so broken inside, more broken than ever before. I just couldn’t understand why it had to hurt so badly. I didn’t do anything wrong. He was the one who broke up with me. Why couldn’t he feel the pain? Why did I have to feel it? I would rather feel nothing. It hurt so bad that I wish I had never even meet him.

After telling her that and saying it out loud, I realized how much hate I have towards him. Olivia told me to not let the pain make me hate so much. She said to not let my bitterness towards him, steal my happiness. She said that it’s really important that I work to forgive him, so that I can move on.

 

 

 

I told Grant about my grandma and he was very supportive about it. It was refreshing to talk to someone who understands losing a loved one. No one really understands what that’s like until they go through it.

From the moment we started talking I knew I wanted him around. There is just something about Grant. I find myself attracted to his kindness and sense of humor. But what if decides we live too far apart and doesn’t pursue me. I really enjoy his company and kind of want to be more than friends, but it’s probably totally unrealistic since we live like fifteen hours away from each other normally.

I just feel like Grant and I are connecting on a deeper level. We are talking about real life struggles constantly on this retreat and it is really starting to bring me closer to the entire group.

 

If I’m honest, the past year has been more painful than ever. Losing Danny so soon was unreal. Knowing he had limited time left for a year almost made it harder, since I could walk into that hospital room and he could be gone just like that.

It has been difficult remembering some hard times this past month about my brother. But, I’ve come to realize I shouldn’t just forget about him to try and avoid the pain. I need to cherish his memory and keep his spirit alive in my life by doing things he always enjoyed.

Ben and I went fishing this past Friday. Every time I go fishing I will always remember the first time Danny caught a fish. It was on a family camping trip. We went out in the canoe. I taught him how to hook the worm and cast his fishing line. He was sitting there for about two minutes and a fish bit the worm. He caught his first fish faster than I’ve ever caught a fish. He was always lucky with little things like that. I was proud of him and the grin on his face was priceless.

I find myself happy and sad at the same time these past few days, and I just don’t understand why. I feel like I’m moving on, but I want to go back, back to when I was happy with him, with Peter. I just can’t seem to let go of my past. It seems impossible to forget how much he meant to me. It would be nice if there was a switch to turn off my feelings for him, but that’s not how life works.

I’m working to realize we had good times together, but they are in the past and sometimes people aren’t meant to be in your life forever. I’m trying to look on the positive side (which is abnormal for me) and know that I’ve learned a lot from my relationship with him. So even though it didn’t last with Peter, I will find someone who is  better for me in the future.

The summer has come to an end so quickly. I feel like I just got here. Four weeks doesn’t sound long, but I’ve changed so much in this time. I feel more okay expressing how I really feel and like I don’t always need to perform and act happy for my grandparents. Going home to see my grandma ill will be hard, but I want to spend as much time with her while she’s still here as I can. And Grace is dying to see me! She wants all the details in person when I return. Part of me is happy to go back to Tennessee, but another part wants to stay here.

It’s hard to think what it will be like not seeing Lana every morning. We’ve really grown as friends surprisingly. Then there is Grant. I am going to miss him and getting to be real, but have fun and be silly at the same time with him.

Over my time in Michigan I have come to accept the loss of Danny. I know he is in a better place. My parents are glad I came, they told me I sound like a different person when I talked to them on the phone the other night.

I’ve realized that if we wait until we’re ready we’ll be waiting the rest of our lives. That’s why I talked to Olivia before she left for her flight. I just had to tell her I wanted to keep in touch and that I want to be more than just friends.  When I said that her face lit up. I am so thankful she felt the same way. Long distance isn’t easy, but I know that we can make it work. We’ve already planned a skype date when I get back to Maine.

 

Now that the summer is over, I feel like I’m a different person. It’s like I made it through a storm that I thought was never going to end. But, I’m better for it. I’ve grown into a person I’m happy to be. And I can see that I have so many opportunities to look forward to in my future. When I get home I’m really going to take the time to thank Tanya. She was right to send me here and I don’t know where I would be without her help.

Exploring Michigan has also made me want to travel more. My sister told me about an internship in New York working for a fashion company. I think I’m going to apply for next summer.